Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Merry Christmas, pt. 2

OK, so i don't need to go into detail.

Well, maybe I do. I don't know. Either way ends up with "this is fucking ridiculous and this fucking sucks".

After the Rhett Miller show, last Wednesday, Sam and I got into another fight over the same jealousy bullshit. Except instead of jealousy over a girl, this time it was over a roadtrip.

Better yet, just the idea of one. One I haven't even taken yet. As much as I don't like Kerouac's writing style, after reading On The Road (and this blog's namesake before that), I find myself continually talking to myself and others about the romance of wanderlust. At least the romance I found in between his stream-of-consciousness rambling. I guess it strikes a chord with me since I've never left Ontario, as well as the usual young-pseudo-culturally-enlightened-adult's "no one understands me" mindset I have buried myself in. It is a sincere sentiment, despite my self-awareness of it. I mean, come on, I'm not THAT full of myself.

Anyway, throughout the course of the night, I was talking about how I need to get away from Ontario. Even if it was just for a weekend, just any amount of time to break away from everything in my life, to see if there is anything more, in the world or in me. You know, spiritual, new age stuff amplified and seemingly almost tangible by Canadian Club Whiskey.

She assumes I am saying I need to break away from her. Which, in one sense, in that she is part of my reiterating daily life, yes. But not in a personal way. Not in the way that she is the reason I feel I need to leave. I can understand how one would think that, but I would almost say that's a selfish way to look at it. I need to break away from her (as part of my life), not break up with her.

It's hard to explain, even harder when drunk. When one looks at things as objectively as I do, it's hard to bring an (i think) innocent but seemingly cold observation [all the things in my life are predictable, and it bores me] down to a point where it still makes sense in a sensitive person's subjective viewpoint [but i am part of your life, so that means I bore you, and you don't like me].

So we're arguing and she thinks I hate her, and asks why such a trip can't wait for her. I say she's still in school, so it's impractical for to take time off, and it's something I would want to do alone for my own good. Also, I might plan for a week but stay out for a month, taking everything as it comes. In any case, I stressed, it was just a thought I had, not a plan that was in motion.

She says the whole thing only made sense if I planned to cheat on her, and then I flipped out. I mean I flipped the fuck out.

After a long diatribe questioning the intelligence and merit of such an assertion, whatever I said must have hit some switch. I didn't even know she had it in her to slap me. Much less, slap me that hard.

None of us said a thing the rest of the night.

And it stayed that way until last Friday.

I have never been in a "separation" before. Not a break up, just "time apart". Funny, that after hitting me for wanting to spend time alone, she gives it to me. I don't even comprehend what the hell her reasoning is. How long is it supposed to last? What are the terms? Who ends it? Why did I even agree to it?

All I know, is that this is fucking ridiculous and this fucking sucks.

And, I leave for New York this weekend.

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